Family BlissLogs

MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren’t with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Shewas flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

So I was watching this weeks episode of House tonight and found that I really identified with Chase. His relationship with his girlfriend is very similar to mine with my wife.

For those of you that don’t watch the show, Chase and Cameron are dating. Chase has decided that he knows that Cameron is the one for him and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. On the other hand, Cameron is looking toward life without Chase. When Chase stated his confidence in his feelings to her, she accused him of being naive. The second it was said, I knew that’s how I could be classified with my convictions in my marriage. I don’t think that being naive makes it any less right, it just makes it confusing.

I am absolutely sure that Brandy is the one for me and am sad that she has given up on me and our marriage. I’m sure that Brandy would call me naive, just like Chase. She can’t understand how I could still be so sure when she has moved on and is looking forward to life without me. I can’t understand how she could look to life after marriage before trying to work at the marriage with her spouse.

Oh man,there I go again, feeling sorry for myself and blaming her for giving up. It is hard to shake the feeling that she gave up without putting forth enough effort when you are still naive enough to think that you are still meant to be together; which we are.

So Brandy and I met at a lawyer’s office this morning to begin the Divorce process. Well, I guess her moving out was the first step, but you know what I mean. There wasn’t any surprises other that the lawyer telling us that she was taking on too much of the debt and not taking any of my retirement savings. We need to discuss those couple things a little more after spending some time thinking of what the lawyer said.

I did ok through the meeting this morning other than a couple times I broke down and cried. Particularly when we discussed my step-son and how I have no rights to see him any more. Brandy said she would still let me spend time with him so I am hopeful that I can continue to watch him grow into a man. I also cried when we discussed the visitation schedule for the twins. I hate not tucking them into bed EVERY night. The only other time that I had major tears was when the lawyer was going through the rest of the process. That was when it really hit me that this was happening. I did eventually pull it together long enough to get in the car. I let loose again in the car and really wished that I had some tissues in the car to wipe the tears because I cried the entire way home. I took the entire day off from work because I knew that I would be in no shape to work. I was right about that.

My next step in the divorce process is to take a “Children First” class at the local community college. I’ll be taking that in the next couple weeks. The lawyer warned us that the class I’m in will be the class with all the “good guys”. I’m to expect everyone in my class to say they are right and their soon-to-be ex-spouse is causing all the problems in the marriage and divorce. That should be entertaining. I just hope I don’t see too much of myself in them if that is the case.

Today was a really rough day for me, it hasn’t been the first and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I was sure that once we got to this point, I would be looking forward to a divorce; but I am surprised to find that I still am madly in love with Brandy and would love nothing more than to share the rest of my life with her. I know that will not happen.

To make matters worse, I am sipping the last glass of Crown Royal I have. I was planning on waiting to get my next bottle with my paycheck on 5/15, but I may need to pick more up this week. Anyone want to come over for a drink Saturday night? The kids will be with Brandy.

Regrets, yes I have a few.

I told my wife that I didn’t think we could be friends after she divorces me. I regret that, because I hope we can be. I have been basically begging her to not divorce me. I regret that, because it didn’t work and because I realize that I should have showed her what I could have changed in our marriage rather than begging and telling her we can change. I was very lazy in my marriage. I regret that because, well. . . look where that got me. I took for granted that marriage was for ever. I regret that, because my wife taught me otherwise in the past 2 months. I let my wife make all the decisions in our life. I regret that, because that turned me into a passenger in my life and allowed her to also make the decision to end our relationship. When she told me that she was unhappy and was moving out, I cried and threw up. I regret that because who likes to throw up and I should have begun fighting for her right then and there. I didn’t show Brandy my love every day we were married. I regret that because if I had, she might have loved me back.

I could write for hours on all the regrets I have regarding my marriage; what I don’t forget is Loving Brandy.

So back in February, when Brandy told me she was going to, and subsequently did, move out I was visibly depressed. All my friends and co-workers noticed and were concerned. Like 4 or 5 of them told me of a movie that they recently saw called FireProof. They had warned me that it was a little corny and had a strong religious theme, but said it was a good movie. I am trying not to pre-judge anything these days and am always looking for something to pass the time, so I gave the movie a go. I don’t think I’ve seen anything with Kirk Cameron in it since Growing Pains, many years ago. He did a good job in this movie. When the movie first started, I immediately noticed the low production quality, but 10 minutes into the movie all I saw was the movie. That’s the sign of a good story.

Without giving too much away as far as spoilers go, FireProof is about a couple that is in a very rocky marriage, both of which think they are the bigger person in the marriage. This really struck close to home with me as I see that as where Brandy and I are at. The flaws in both individuals hit me like a brick. Anyone going through a rocky time in their marriage or relationship should watch this movie.

I wish I could save my marriage.

A couple days ago I wrote about where I went wrong in our marriage, well today it’s her turn. It is actually quite simple. Her problem is that her attempts at saving the marriage were counter productive to doing so. She now says that she never loved me like she should love a husband, but am I really to believe that if she’s been lying to me the entire marriage? Her attempts to work on the marriage is to keep her feelings from me and accept everything for what it is and try to make herself be happy with that. The only thing that method accomplishes is to make her resent the marriage. She let her resentment get so bad that the first time she tells me she is unhappy in the marriage is when she tells me that she wants to move out. Does anyone else see at least one missed step here?

My alternative to her method of dealing with the marriage is to talk to your spouse. Sounds pretty simple I know, but I’ve heard that it could work. There are hundreds of stories out there of couples that can’t stand to be around each other but by working together and making changes in their lives; they regrow Love and get that storybook ending. I don’t know if any changes we could make would make a difference in her view of the marriage or not, but why not try? We’ve already devoted over 7 years to the marriage, why not try to fix it? Unfortunately, she will not even consider fixing the marriage. I know, your probably thinking I’ve abused her or am violent or addicted to drugs or something, but I assure you I am not. I was always a good person to my wife, our kids and her son from a previous marriage.

It is apparent to me now that she has ZERO respect for marriage. She doesn’t have the heart to be married to anyone. I was her second marriage and wish I would have recognized that before I proposed. My problem now is that I Love her still and can’t turn that off after 8 years of believing that I would spend the rest of my life with her.

Did I do something wrong in my marriage? Obviously, yes. Was that mistake to actually get married? I’d like to believe no. It’s been slightly over 2 years since I made a post about things I should do to have a successful marriage. Well, I didn’t do those things and now my wife has moved out on me and is only interested in getting a divorce. Her reason. . . she never loved me like she should love a husband. I was taken completely off guard when she told me that she needed to move out. I thought our marriage was kind of stale, but by no means headed for divorce. Please forgive me if some of this doesn’t make sense, as I took up drinking Crown Royal tonight and am plenty drunk from it and have no idea where this typing will lead. Let me tell you how this nightmare started. . .

It’s early/mid February and my wife and I just tucked our kids into bed and were beginning to watch some of our normal TV shows. She says to me that we need to have a talk, so I turn the TV off. She proceeds to tell me that she is not happy in our marriage and wants to move out. I am shocked at this and work myself up enough that I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom to throw up. A week and a half later, she moved out of the house and is renting a house on the other side of town. Now I only get to spend half the week with my kids and 1 night a week with my stepson.

She says that the whole marriage has been a mistake and that she never should have married me. She has to get out of the marriage now and get a divorce right away because she has realized that the marriage has been a mistake from the beginning and needs to do what is best for her. When she first broke the news to me that she was leaving, she said it in a way that she needed to straighten some stuff out for herself and that she wanted our marriage to survive. A week and a half later, her story was that she didn’t think we could ever get to couples counseling and wanted a legal separation. That another week and a half later the only option was divorce. Oh did I mention, when she first said she was unhappy, she wanted us to go to couples counseling; but two days later we were watching Two and a Half Men and the topic was couples counseling. During that episode, it was stated that couples counseling was just a means for the wife to attach the husband. While my wife was watching this, she decided the sitcom was right and wanted to just go to counseling on her own. After a couple sessions, she had convinced her counselor that we would never get to couples counseling (or at least that is what she told me). So here I am with a wife that I love and would do anything for and she can’t stand to be around me.

My view of marriage is vastly different than my wifes. I am of the belief that divorce should be the last resort for a marriage while it is an easy way out for my wife. Sure she said that she has been trying to make it work for the entire 7 1/2 years of marriage, but realized that it could never work. It is funny how she could come up with that realization without involving me in any of the efforts to make it work. I understand how she feels about our marriage now, but am amazed that she would throw it all away without discussing it with me and finding things we could change in our marriage that could make each of our feelings change. In fact, she is absolutely positive that any changes in our behavior would have no effect on how she feels about our marriage. I don’t understand how she could feel this way. Our feelings about each other would have no choice but to change if we changed our habits and attitudes about each other. Unfortunately, she can’t believe that.

The odd thing is that she is the one that believes in God while I am either agnostic or atheist. I haven’t decided which. But here we are with me believing a miracle could happen and we could change our views/attitudes and we could save our marriage and become a stronger, happier couple; while she is ready to give up and move on with her life. It would seem to me that the one with God in their life would have the optimism and belief that things could get better if only they would work at it with their partner.

Now that she is ready to move on to her next failed relationship, I am stuck trying to protect myself while not hurting her too much. I’ll probably discuss some of my self protection methods in future blog posts. Some, I’m not too proud of; but I know I am only doing it to protect myself. I’m going to stop her, but if there are any husbands or wives out there that feel their marriage is irreparable, please don’t give up on it until you have attempted to address the issues with your spouse. You never know what can become of your marriage until you work at it to make it what you need. You may even be surprised to learn that the person you married could be the one that makes you happy for the rest of your life.