Family BlissLogs

After 7 years and 8 months of marriage, it will be coming to an end in about 1 more month. According to my wife, it was completely over back in February; but will not be over till the judge signs the papers next month. Speaking of the divorce papers, we have agreed on everything and have each signed the papers at the lawyers office. I wanted to fight for more time with the kids, but realized that the only thing that would accomplish would be to make us both spend more money on lawyers. I most likely wouldn’t have gotten any more time than what she proposed and any lawyer she got would probably convinced her to get more money out of me. As far as divorces go, I suppose I’m lucky in that I won’t be paying any weekly child support or alimony.

My son asked me tonight why I was still wearing my wedding ring. My answer was that I was still married and would wear it on that finger till I wasn’t married any more. At this point, I don’t know that I’ll be ready to take it off even when the divorce is final. I’m considering wearing it on my right hand till I’m ready to remove it. I know that at this point I should move on and just remove it, but that infinity symbol on it still means forever to me. I may get over her at some point and allow myself to move on, but I am just not there yet and don’t know when I will be. I’ve had a few people tell me that I need to see a counselor, Brandy included. I did for a little while, but the person I was talking to wanted to focus on ways to “save” the marriage, which is exactly what I wanted to hear. Once Brandy convinced me that even if I changed everything about me and my life in a manner that would make her happier, the marriage was still over; I stopped speaking to the counselor. No point in talking about ways to save the marriage when the other person has no ambition to do so and is probably dating someone else already.

So I was watching this weeks episode of House tonight and found that I really identified with Chase. His relationship with his girlfriend is very similar to mine with my wife.

For those of you that don’t watch the show, Chase and Cameron are dating. Chase has decided that he knows that Cameron is the one for him and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. On the other hand, Cameron is looking toward life without Chase. When Chase stated his confidence in his feelings to her, she accused him of being naive. The second it was said, I knew that’s how I could be classified with my convictions in my marriage. I don’t think that being naive makes it any less right, it just makes it confusing.

I am absolutely sure that Brandy is the one for me and am sad that she has given up on me and our marriage. I’m sure that Brandy would call me naive, just like Chase. She can’t understand how I could still be so sure when she has moved on and is looking forward to life without me. I can’t understand how she could look to life after marriage before trying to work at the marriage with her spouse.

Oh man,there I go again, feeling sorry for myself and blaming her for giving up. It is hard to shake the feeling that she gave up without putting forth enough effort when you are still naive enough to think that you are still meant to be together; which we are.

So Brandy and I met at a lawyer’s office this morning to begin the Divorce process. Well, I guess her moving out was the first step, but you know what I mean. There wasn’t any surprises other that the lawyer telling us that she was taking on too much of the debt and not taking any of my retirement savings. We need to discuss those couple things a little more after spending some time thinking of what the lawyer said.

I did ok through the meeting this morning other than a couple times I broke down and cried. Particularly when we discussed my step-son and how I have no rights to see him any more. Brandy said she would still let me spend time with him so I am hopeful that I can continue to watch him grow into a man. I also cried when we discussed the visitation schedule for the twins. I hate not tucking them into bed EVERY night. The only other time that I had major tears was when the lawyer was going through the rest of the process. That was when it really hit me that this was happening. I did eventually pull it together long enough to get in the car. I let loose again in the car and really wished that I had some tissues in the car to wipe the tears because I cried the entire way home. I took the entire day off from work because I knew that I would be in no shape to work. I was right about that.

My next step in the divorce process is to take a “Children First” class at the local community college. I’ll be taking that in the next couple weeks. The lawyer warned us that the class I’m in will be the class with all the “good guys”. I’m to expect everyone in my class to say they are right and their soon-to-be ex-spouse is causing all the problems in the marriage and divorce. That should be entertaining. I just hope I don’t see too much of myself in them if that is the case.

Today was a really rough day for me, it hasn’t been the first and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I was sure that once we got to this point, I would be looking forward to a divorce; but I am surprised to find that I still am madly in love with Brandy and would love nothing more than to share the rest of my life with her. I know that will not happen.

To make matters worse, I am sipping the last glass of Crown Royal I have. I was planning on waiting to get my next bottle with my paycheck on 5/15, but I may need to pick more up this week. Anyone want to come over for a drink Saturday night? The kids will be with Brandy.

Regrets, yes I have a few.

I told my wife that I didn’t think we could be friends after she divorces me. I regret that, because I hope we can be. I have been basically begging her to not divorce me. I regret that, because it didn’t work and because I realize that I should have showed her what I could have changed in our marriage rather than begging and telling her we can change. I was very lazy in my marriage. I regret that because, well. . . look where that got me. I took for granted that marriage was for ever. I regret that, because my wife taught me otherwise in the past 2 months. I let my wife make all the decisions in our life. I regret that, because that turned me into a passenger in my life and allowed her to also make the decision to end our relationship. When she told me that she was unhappy and was moving out, I cried and threw up. I regret that because who likes to throw up and I should have begun fighting for her right then and there. I didn’t show Brandy my love every day we were married. I regret that because if I had, she might have loved me back.

I could write for hours on all the regrets I have regarding my marriage; what I don’t forget is Loving Brandy.